Want to score some college chicks? Besides offering them some Columbian Gold, there’s another way: Say bad things about America. Tell her that America is always “Up in everyone else’s business.” Use those exact words, too. They’re trendy, just like anti-Americanism. Do not–under any circumstances–explain to her why America gets involved so often around the world. Let her believe–indeed cultivate the myth–that the world would be better without America. Make sure to use the word, “Imperialism”, somewhere, somehow. Maybe even “White Imperialism”.
Don’t let this make you think that the female Sociology major likes weak men, though. She’s tired of emo, hates pipe-cleaner arms, and despises someone who can’t take charge. She just wants everything to be magically better, in the far off dreamlands of wild Africa. She wants to sail off to Byzantium, but she wants a man by her side with the passions of Conan.
This type of girl wants you to be rough and tough. She prefers vagaries, though. She doesn’t think dropping bombs on other countries is ever right. There just has to be some other way… She’ll wallow in Rousseau’s fantastical world, where ancient and illiterate man happily scoured the earth for plant foods, so that they would not have to bear the horrible screams of dying animals slaughtered for food. So far away in time and distance are these antediluvian folk, that surely they had no weapons for fighting. Do not at any point, bring up the story in Genesis about how Cain killed Abel. With a plain old rock. How do we regulate rocks? We should focus more on guns, because americans have lots of guns and it’s guns that are killing our citizenry. That and the corporate driven evils of smoking. She’ll tell you this as she lights up. It’s so much easier to blame the Evil Empire than it is to take responsibility for our own actions. Never, ever emphasize personal responsibility. So not cool. Oh yeah, and throw in some astrology, too. Chicks love that stuff. Tell her how our Founding Fathers weren’t really Christians, but lived their lives by reading the daily horoscope. The powerful Christian guilds were the ones that suppressed that truth….
Tell her we need to do things like the Europeans are doing them. Be very, very vague about this. Imply that this means free stuff for everyone, and a Utopian landscape where not only healthcare is free, but so are heroin needles, abortions and wind-based power.
By now, if you’re properly juxtaposing your manliness with the foggy ideas of post-modern progressives, the girl is probably already thinking about what crude acts of copulation she wants to enact on you. You’re her dream date: Gore Vidal and Hugh Jackman all wrapped into one.