GI Joe The Movie

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On Friday, my girlfriend and I went to see GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra. I warned her that I thought it would be a very bad movie, but out of respect to some of the best toys a boy could hope for and some very underrated comic books back in the 1980s published by Marvel, I just had to go.

The film was every bit as disastrous as I’d imagined it would be.

The campiness utterly ruined what could have been a good movie. It seems the director not only wanted to remind us that GI JOE originated from kids’ toys, he wanted his actors to seem adolescent. I felt like I was watching an episode of Charmed or Buffy The Vampire Slayer combined with an episode of The Unit.

The horrible and stilted romance scenes, the outrageous gun play and the wandering away from the comic book storylines all proved to make one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

Don’t listen to the critics who end their criques with oddly satisfying. This flick is a waste of money.

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9 thoughts on “GI Joe The Movie

    kernunos said:
    August 17, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    Critics that liked the movie probably weren’t even into GI Joe.

    Amos Volante said:
    August 18, 2009 at 12:49 am

    I’m gonna post twice on this one. First, the lows, which require some room:

    LOWS:

    CGI: Mediocre and inconsistent CGI. Inexusable in 2009 on a film that’s been in the works for years. Everything from poor detail levels and detail on surfaces, to bad physics, even bad fake physics. How can you screw up fake physics?

    ACTING: The lead role is a ghetto white guy with street thug mannerisms and ghetto teeth! He does not even play a convincing officer in a kids’ movie! And fix those teeth! Is this right to teach young children that commissioned officers aren’t scholars, but Vanilla Ice wannabes? Wayans was trying to hard to be Will Smith, but he’s not. Not even close. A victim of bad writing, he has to perform patronizing “Hit on Scarlett” lines that I suppose were unavoidable.

    SCREEN WRITING: Starts close to the comic story, then drifts way, way off course. The story won’t win any awards at Comic-Con. Like Star Wars 1, they made sure EVERY character in the storyline is correlated. I think the secret base was actually Cobra Commander’s grandmother’s house. That may come up in the sequel.

    SEQUEL: Of course! F**ing Zartan’s the president! Duh.

    DENNIS QUAID: He used to mildly suck. Now he just plain sucks. Any washed up old movie hero could have aced that role, but some guy who walks like a fag? Dennis blew. His costume designer also blew, although she didn’t have much to work with.

    STEPHEN SOMMERS (Director): Mummy sucked. His directing here is substantially better. But still only OK.

    SHAMELESS LACK of ORIGINALITY: Scene after scene you’re watching a cross between X-Men, Star Wars I-III and The Goonies.

    There is only a single high in this film and it/he deserves a separate post.

    No, it’s not Channing Tatum. His acting is excruciating!! CHANNING TATUM sucks.

    Amos Volante said:
    August 18, 2009 at 12:55 am

    HIGHS:

    I officially submit that this movie be renamed:

    Ray Park: The Rise of Wushu

    Ray Park aces the role of Snake Eyes, even though lame screenwriting and directing limit his moves and versatility. Ray Park saves this film and is able to out act the lame cast with NO SPEAKING LINES!! There were so many poorly executed scenes, yet Ray’s consistent badass posture and athleticism keep the Snake Eyes legend alive.

    They may have just pulled G.I. Joe through the queer-beer, but Ray Park did not let any spooge land on the venerable black hood of Snake Eyes.

    Great job, Ray!!!

    But the movie still sucked.

    Ray saves the film, and yet I can still only give it a 5. Without Ray, a 2.5.

    Amos Volante said:
    August 18, 2009 at 1:42 am

    For those of you who care:

    http://www.starwars.com/fans/rocks/news20090805/index.html

    Get ’em, Ray!

    Bill said:
    August 18, 2009 at 7:32 am

    Everyone I know who saw it said pretty much the same thing – your review seals it for me. Just as a thought b/c you mention your childhood fondness of GI Joe – Speed Racer. I think it was supposed to be Gay Porn and they just burned the wrong movie to the DVD – but I rented it and it was the WORST movie I’ve seen. ANd it’s not “Worst” as in PLan 9 From outer space where you can laugh at how bad it blew. It was the type of suck that made you want to punch the wall and everyone involved in bringing it to market. One friend who trashed this compared it to speed racer and said it’s roughly 75% as bad as Speed Racer. But I digress.

    Anyway, thank for the warning – that’s all I need to steer clear. Inglorious Bastards is coming out this weekend so I think that’s what I’ll be seeing 😉 There’s almost no doubt it’ll be compleely awesome

    kernunos said:
    August 19, 2009 at 5:44 am

    lol, I love the reviews. I’m glad I didn’t see it but I knew I wouldn’t.

    Amos Volante said:
    August 29, 2009 at 3:50 pm

    Well, well, well…Just got the latest issue of Game Informer out of the mailbox. It includes a full review of the new G.I. Joe for your Xbox 360.

    The narrative and couterpoint contain some of the harshest comments I’ve seen from Game Informer magazine, so I’ll just summarize for everyone’s benefit. You’re probably wondering, passable game, or shameless license milking?

    3.5 out of 10 and such a ghastly review you should just read it yourself.

    Lou said:
    August 31, 2009 at 12:16 pm

    My daughter said, “I might really like this movie, if I were a ten year old boy.”

    magus71 responded:
    August 31, 2009 at 4:48 pm

    That’s an excellent analysis by your daughter. Your blog is good stuff by the way.

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